Quotable Quotes

This is why footballers should only let their feet do the talking. God is fair.

'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.' - VINNY JONES

Look Vinnie. I don’t know how you manage to land acting roles but it probably doesn’t really matter as long as you landed it.

'I'm five short [of the Arsenal goalscoring record] - not that I'm counting.' - IAN WRIGHT

Chill. He was just reciting a nursery rhyme.

Interviewer : 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?'
DAVID BECKHAM : 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and occasionally on the left side.'

Uhuh. And I’m sure you are so versatile you will easily break out into violence.

'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable' - PAUL GASCOIGNE

1 of which you miscounted and indisputably your fault.

'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' - STUART PEARCE

Gasak kau la Bugs Bunny.

'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.' - IAN RUSH

Well, when you’re Welsh and you travel out, you’re not exactly at home.

'I've always been a childhood Liverpool fan, even when I was a kid' - HARRY KEWELL

And I bet even when you are young as well right.

'I was really surprised when the FA knocked on my doorbell' - MICHAEL OWEN

A pity you don’t have a door.

'Sometimes in football you have to score goals' - THIERRY HENRY

Sometimes in life, you have to think before you talk.

'No money in the world can buy a white England shirt.' - ALAN SHEARER

Clearly you have not been to Queensway.

‘ He (Newcastle manager Graeme Souness) has just gone behind my back in front of my face’ - CRAIG BELLAMY

That’s a very flexible neck that you have.

Southland Tales

Let me draw you a list of names.


Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. If you don't know him, you have to move out of Ulu Pandan.


Sarah Michelle Gellar. Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Cruel Intentions. One of FHM's Top 100 Sexiest Women in 2001. Enough said.


Mandy Moore. Pop singer, hot chick extraordinaire.


Sean William Scott. American Pie actor. Also acted in a whole host of teenage comedy films.


Kevin Smith. The one on the left. The fat one. Yes. Actor, director and producer of brilliant-ass films like Clerks, Clerks 2, Dogma, Chasing Amy and Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back.


Jon Lovitz. I think Jon Lovitz is a severe case of "seen his face before but never got round to knowing who he is-itis".


Justin Timberlake. Former N' Sync goon, turned black man-wannabe.

Now imagine all of them in one movie. Directed by Richard Kelly, the same man who made 2001's predestination paradox tour de force Donnie Darko.

Guys, hold on to your seats and just wet your pants with anticipation for Southland Tales.

Anna lakshmi, anna lakshmi, anna lakshmiiiii

K, the title is supposed to be sung to the tune of Anna Molly, the Incubus song. That's not impt.. The impt thing is that, because of Nazir's and Mus's selekeh-ness (untidiness), we weren't actually 'well-dressed' for that makan place. Not that I was wearing tux and all ah, but berms and Tshirt beats the hell out of those 2 dingus' attire. Just take a look at what we're wearing ah. I think the shoe bag made me look like I'm not any better than them, still selekeh.

When we were bout to enter, the guy actually told us that we're not properly-dressed and all, 'we' referring to Mus and Nazir obviously. He said if we'd gone to a fine-dining restaurant, we'll be chased out. Then Mus nak step, he said we're from a soccer game. Ah, here comes the kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-in-your-neck line. He told us “then you guys should go to the foodcourt”. If this wasn't so serious, we would've added “Eh, we actually went to a foodcourt but wasn't so full, so we moved on to KFC but some idiot(s) wanted to eat here, so here we are.” I was outside during this whole dressing nonsense, waiting for them to come back out. Apparently, they didn't. I really wanted to eat KFC la. Tu ah, aku cakap taknak dengar.

That anna molly place is actually some kind of charity restaurant, at Chinatown Point. Well, no prizes for those who can guess what kind of food they serve. It's mainly Indian food (I told you right no prizes), and it's all vegetarian. Ya, I can't believe I actually ate there ah, all veggie seh. But I've to say, the cheese-spinach gravy thingy is damn nice, especially eaten with naan. Zat, you should try the naan ah. The mango lassi (yoghurt drink if i'm not wrong) is also awesome.

This time it was buffet, not a-la-carte like the previous time we went. Those 2 belos were like "Eh Nas, help us take ah. Malu seh kita." It was actually kinda embarrassing ah. So they're quite paiseh to take a lot of food coz they're already not 'properly attired'. Who else but the greatest member of all, to help them take some food. Most of the time I couldn't be bothered though.

So, the slogan of the place is “Eat what you like. Pay as you feel.” Basically you can pay any amount you want, no matter how much you eat, or not. We won't feel good la if we order so much and then waste it, so they do advise us bout not wasting food and all if we order a bit too much. Well, being the cheapskate guys that we were, we paid a collective amount of $10. Hahaha, obviously not ah. We paid $5. In fact, they should pay me coz I'm advertising their place.

Understanding the Malay Language : Part 1

You have heard it, you have used it and hands put to heart, you are proud of it. I’m talking about the simple yet beautiful language of colloquial Malay. Malay that you use everyday. Malay that you try to make sense of. Malay that separates you from the rest. Malay that puts you into the corner that you belong. Here, I try to explore the possible evolution of some commonly used Malay words and hopefully put it into perspective at the same time.

1) Patu
Definition : Lepas itu / After that
Sentence : “ Ah patu nak buat apa” / So what do you want to do after that

This word is a good representation of us. From two relatively short words, we actually managed to make it shorter. It’s incredibly slack but I’m not complaining. Don’t be surprised if we eventually shorten everything and speak out letters instead of words.

2) Dorang/korang
Definition : Dia orang / Kau orang / You people
Sentence : “ Eh korang boleh jalan cepat sikit tak” / Can you people walk faster

Another slack combination of two words. But if you actually break it down, it doesn’t make sense. Dia orang. He’s a person. I know la he’s a person. Kau orang. You're a person. Of course you're a person la duh! See how it all does not make any sense but it makes sense when everyone trying to make sense out of it.

3)Pekak badak
Definition : Lousy
Sentence : “ Liverpool memang pekak badak ah. Lawan Aston Villa pun draw” / Liverpool is lousy enough to draw against Aston Villa

This is one of the most misused Malay words. The direct translation would mean as Deaf as a Rhinoceros. But why oh why would a deaf Rhino be lousy? Would that make a normal hearing-enabled Rhino excellent? I tell you what’s lousy. The words itself.

4) Elehhh
Definition : (No definition. It’s just a strange noise)
Sentence : “ Ye eleh, itu aku pun tau sehh” / (Strange Noise). I knew that.

Not many people knew this but before Rihanna even had her hit that goes Ella Ella eh eh eh, Malays were already going Ye eleh eleh eleh eh ah eh ah. Sorry MTV, we beat you to it.

5) Mak ai
Definition : (More of a exclamation. Similar to ‘ Wah Lau’ )
Sentence : “ Mak ai, apa dia buat sehh” / Wah Lau, what is he doing

Mak ai Zat nama dia Wati. Another one of those meaningless words that is more of an expression than anything else. It just adds to the noise and din. Something that is synonymous with Malay conversations.

6) Pakai
Definition : To use
Sentence : “ Cik, boleh pakai bilik air?” / Can I use the toilet, Mdm?

One of the biggest unsolved mysteries of all time. The proper definition of this word is ‘ to wear’, I.e. to wear your clothes. It’s an established word in the Malay dictionary and everyone knows that. Yet, like how we have an affinity of going against the law, we also have an affinity for going against the proper definition of a word. In direct translation, that sentence would mean ‘ Can I wear your water room, Madam?’. Firstly, go ahead and try. Secondly, go ahead and drown.

These are just some of the words that never fails to astound me, for now. I’ve been guilty of it. You’ve been guilty of it. But that’s just the way we like it. Feel free to contribute your 16 cents worth. Together, we can understand the Malay language better.

A Poem By Suff: Having No Satay

A poem, about having no satay. It is aptly named:

Having No Satay

Roses are red
Dead roses are grey
Having no satay
Is a lot better than being gay.

Roses are red
If you spill ink on them, they're blue
Having no satay is better than
Having a satay who wants to pee on you

Roses are red
But I'm sure you already know that
I have no satay
And Aizat is also Ijet.

It's Time.

You know it’s finally time to cut your hair when

- You smsed your friend the night before to remind him to bring a HAIRBAND

- You swear by Sunsilk Pro Shampoo Hair and Conditioner for extra silky, smooth and voluminous hair sial

- You look into the mirror and search frantically for your 2 missing ears

- Your cousin’s able to do this on you. (A toncet)


- Your grandmother’s able to do this on you. (A ponytail worthy of igniting Nazir's fetish all over again)


- You are genuinely afraid you will look like this if nothing were to be done.


Lil Jon. His hair speaks volume of himself. Actually no. His hair doesn’t do justice to him as a person. In fact, if his hair were to be directly proportionate to his vocabulary, he would just have 3 strands of measly hair . Recently, we met at a corner and our conversation goes like this

Me : You realized something. I just cut my hair

Lil Jon : WHATTTT!!

Me : I said.. I just cut my hair

Lil Jon : WHATTT!!

Me : Are you deaf or something?

Lil Jon : YEAHHHHH

Me : But you just answered me. Meaning you heard me. Meaning you are not deaf.

Lil Jon : OKAYYYYYYYY

Me : What do you mean its okay. Anyway, I saw you the other day at the pub. I saw you KARA-

Lil Jon : OKAYYYYYYY

Me : I wasn’t finished. But wow, karaOk huh. Kau hisap bodoh.

Lil Jon : WHATTTT!

Me : I said… Kau hisap bodoh

Lil Jon : OKAYYYYYYY

Indie Rock Rocks My Batu

Today, I shall do recommendations.

Now, everybody has a favourite genre of music. For Nas, it's anything. For Zat, it's whatever. But for me, it's indie rock. The tunes and the rhythm can galvanise me into accomplashing anything, even make it past the forcefield around Zat's house. And mainly, the romantic idealism behind a band attempting to produce music on their own, rather than letting their sound get butchered by a major-label producer, appeals so greatly to me. I know what matters is whether the end product sounds good or not, and I assure you, more often than not, it sounds really good.

Let's start with the Brits

From West Yorkshire, I present to you the family band, The Cribs. Now the last family band we know of is Hanson, so I understand if you're quite apprehensive. The Cribs, however are a set of twins and their younger brother, who have nice, short hair, and an even nicer-sounding sound. And in this video, there's also a set of twins that you're supposed to see but don't get to. Watch, and you'll know what I mean.

Men's Needs by The Cribs


From London, I present to you the band with arguably the best vocalist I have ever come across, Kele Okereke. They're called Bloc Party. It's a good band name, since they went through a series of very stupid names like Superheroes Of BMX and Diet before they settles on Bloc Party. Their sound is what I term "Guitar-driven dreamscapes", almost like Explosions In The Sky, only with lyrics. You'll see.

So Here We Are by Bloc Party


I want to introduce two bands from Liverpool, something the city can be a lot more proud of than their two English Premier League teams. First up are The Zutons. You know how Yellowcard has a violinist? Well, the Zutons have a sax player (who also lends her vocals in some songs), Abi Harding. Her trademark? She always performs barefoot. No joke. So during a Zutons concert, if you smell feet, you know whose it is.

The greatest thing about the Zutons is that all their videos are light-hearted and fun.

Why Won't You Give Me Your Love - The Zutons


The other set of Liverpudlians are The Wombats. They formed when they met while studying at the Liverpool Institute For Performing Arts, and have performed in China, something indie record labels don't tend to support. But if you listen to their single Let's Dance To Joy Division, you'll see why. "So let the love tear us apart, I've found the cure for a broken heart" wheeeee.

Let's Dance To Joy Division by The Wombats


Okay across the Atlantic, from Canada, there's Arcade Fire and Broken Social Scene (whose concert I am going for, thank you very much). Arcade Fire practically put Canada on the globe through its music. Well, actually Canada being there put it on the globe, but you know what I mean. This is the ultimate feeling song. You'll see in the video. Muka semua tak maintain.

Wake Up by Arcade Fire


Broken Social Scene is really more of a social scene than a band. They currently have nineteen members. Yes, nineteen. Fifteen short of 20. They're coming to Singapore in March and I'll be there. Not jealous yet? You will be...

7/4 (Shoreline) by Broken Social Scene


South of Canada, we have the indie rock sound of America, the descendants of the Alternative Nation movement. From Washington, we have America at probably its most indie: Death Cab For Cutie. These guys have been around for so long, staying true to their own brand of DIY music. In this video, Death Cab epitomises the very spirit of indie: poetry, connection and the intimate humanity of music.

Soul Meets Body by Death Cab For Cutie


So listen to these sounds guys. I think it is the most beautiful in this world. Next to Nazir's singing voice.

The question is...

When was the last time you read an entry by someone else other than Zat? If I'm not wrong, 8 out of 10 of the past entries were by Zat. I think he's the only one enjoying this blogging thing. I seriously dunno what happened to the others ah, step busy je.. Padahal I'm the only one busy ah, wif my student union stuff, my muslim society commitments and my IVP all all. K Relax, i'll put in for you guys, “Hisap bodoh Nas.” But seriously, i'm notss lazy at all to write an entry ah, and like Faliq said, even AVP2 is not as boring as me.

During the past 2 weeks in school, I actually met a senior who gave me some advice. All I know, I've got to work my ass off to bring my CGPA up. He was saying that the first 2 semesters in year 1 is damn impt. It's to mark your point and then just work consistently to maintain it or try to improve a little. Sorry ah guys, no more clubbing for me ah. No more Zouk, MOS or (Suff, what other names are there ah?). I need to be serious ah now.

You guys gotta see this pic man. See, I ATTENDED lecture. Enthusiastic and diligent people, like me, were all prepared for the next lecture, waiting with the tip of our pen on our papers, ready to make notes for our not-boring-at-all Computing lecture. Then THIS JOKER came in.

Kiiisurat! That guy came into the LT asking people to donate blood la. Halim and I were talking bout how we should show him the “Hole” and punch the blood out of him. That should be nice ah, then throw him off the stage or smth. Ah Zal, mahu donate ke pe?

Love All

As you all may know (or not), sports play a huge part in my life. It defines me in the way I am and most definitely, in the way I are ( Baby if you strip, you can get a tip cause I like you just the way you are). But let’s not get carried away. There are no 2 sports that can define me better than The Beautiful Game of Soccer and Tennis.

The first one is a given. You can probably tell that from the colour of my skin. It has been bringing me great happiness by providing me with not 1 not 2 but 4 corners. 4! That’s 1 less than 6. For that alone, it has to be the perfect game.

Tennis though is an alien sport for hands like mine, that are more destined for Congkak rather than a set of racquet and green fluffy balls. It has brought me equal happiness though and I just happen to have an affinity for it and perhaps, a tinge of talent in it. Not only is it a great individual sport, it also happens to be a platform for some outstanding talent and a number of eye-candies. Hence, here is a lowdown of the Who’s Who in the tennis arena.


Even if you have not played tennis, you probably know this guy. This Swiss maestro is arguably the best ever to have graced the courts and why not. He is currently a holder of 12 Grand Slam Titles, (only the Holy Grails of tennis) and is 3 short from officially becoming the best. Watching him play reminds me that I should probably stick to Gasing.

And looking at him here humbly reminds me why I’m here writing for this ill-advisedly named blog and looking at him again, maybe deservedly so.


OHHHHH LADIESSS.
HI AIZATTTT
Ok sorry. Too much of Deal or No Deal.


No prizes for guessing the name of this Russian beauty (or not). Her name may be the first on the lips of male tennis fans but I beg to differ. If you want to know how Donkey sounds like before he actually started speaking in Shrek, then tune in and watch or rather HEAR her play. For your benefit though, wear a pair of ear plugs or put your TV on mute. Her grunts are much better off elsewhere. Uhuh uhuh.



This is probably Nas’s favourite. Her name though, to much horror (literally) is Daniela HANTUchova. HANTU. That means Ghost in Malay. It is supposed to be pronounced with a silent T but does that matter when you see a ghost. If all Hantus look like this, then I don’t mind chilling at banana trees. Then again, maybe I do.



Last but certainly not the least, this is Ana Ivanovic. I like to call her Ana. I’ve been seeing her for a year already. On TV. She is MY biggest eye candy. Not only is she one of the promising young players in the world, it just doesn’t hurt when you can sweat and still look that good.

And sometimes I wonder why I love tennis. Haha.

24

What is 24?

24 is a design for life, the path to life's answers. It illuminates our destinies, and etches them upon the endless papyrus of our galaxy, like the stupendous scribes of gardens eternal.

In short, 24 is one of my favourite numbers.

Saturday Night, Saturday Night

So it’s a Saturday and you’re already done studying. Or at least done attempting to study. The rain is subsiding and the weather is clearing up. It’s already evening but you have time to burn. So what do you do? Do you head to town and find somewhere to chill? Do you look up the movie timings and plan to watch American Gangster? Or do you go home because you’re a loser with no satay hence you have no plans? NO. I say NO NO NO. So what exactly do you do? You squeeze into your friend’s room, lay down the board and then you play this.






MONOPOLY. Not just any Monopoly. But the Singapore edition, sial.

If you have never played Monopoly before, then I probably don’t know where you’ve been. Probably at Ngee Ann Poly, probably at Nanyang. So before you embark on your virgin roll of the dice in Monopoly, jangan kanchong, mai tension, here are 5 tips that will help you monopolise Singapore in no time.

Tip #1 : Do not own Geylang Road and Serangoon Road.

Do not be tempted by the cheap prices. There’s already more than enough temptations in Geylang so do not fall for this one. Unless you’re planning to set up a hotel, then these areas should be your last choice. Even then, it’s only hotel 81 (Baik Suff ada membership) and the payouts are so low it’s worth trying to steal some money from the bank when your friends are not looking.

Tip #2 : This is not Prison Break.

Jangan nak step Micheal Scofield. There is no Sucre, there is no T Bag, there is no C Note. You only have Dollar Notes. This is a game. You go to jail, you stay in there and you wait for your turn. But surprisingly, Changi Prison allows you to escape if you pay $500. So pay the money, get out of the bars and enjoy a hearty Nasi Lemak meal at Changi Village for breakfast.

Tip # 3 : If you drink, don’t drive. Go public.

Since I don’t drink and I can’t drive, I don’t have much of a choice do I ? But even in the game, this applies. Probably the best investment is to own all the 4 Mrt Stations, but it requires a huge slice of luck. Once you have the entire SMRT in your hands, then you play the waiting game. Anyone (excluding you) that steps into any of the stations will have to pay a handsome fine of $2000. EZ Link and Concession Pass do not apply.

Tip # 4 : Tip off your friend for $10.

A good way to earn some extra loose change is to tip off your friends. Besides waiting for your friends to land into your property, you can also earn a good brokerage fee by staying alert. Sometimes, your friends may not realize that someone has landed into his/her property and that someone has to pay a fine. So to prevent that other cheeky friend of yours from escaping a fine, you swoop in, tip off your friend and demand a cool $10 for doing so.

Tip # 5 : Be a businessman

Monopoly is after all a game about business. Make your own deals, negotiate, connive, bribe. Do everything in your power to make sure you’re ahead of the game. If you’re in control, take advantage of the situation. Look around you for opportunities, especially when your friend is on the verge of bankrupt. And if you’re on the verge of bankrupt, well then that’s just too bad. You can try printing your own money.

At the end of the game, remember. It is just a game. If you win, don’t boast. You may have owned all the roads along Orchard before but at the end of it, you still owe that same friend who wrongly invested in Geylang Road many many 55 cents in cold hard cash.

A Typical Half Time Team Talk

As the ball deflected out of play, the man in black blew the whistle signaling the end of the first half. Not for the very first time, team TLFC had a lot to do in the second period. Trailing by 2 goals, the players trudged out of the pitch and into the shade for a brief respite. Heads were down. Morale was low. Silence was evident. If ever there was a time for a rousing and inspirational pep talk, then the time has come. Someone had to come out of the shadows. Someone had to show the way. And then, silence broke…

Syah : Eh Darryl, you got cigarettes?

Darryl : Shit la, I left it in my car.

Daniel : Don’t worry don’t worry. I have some here. Nah.

(smokes)

And with those powerful words, team TLFC drew strength and jogged enthusiastically back onto the pitch with full comprehension of the uphill task that lies ahead. Huddlling together one last time, they shouted their famous cheer in unison.

" 1, 2, 3 ……………… FOUR! "

Nothing could stop them in their tracks now, especially not in their winning week.

Because I know at least 20 people

Due to the plethora of time and the paucity of participation from members of the blog, one must wonder if another random entry will make this insipid site short of being superfluous. Well, keep on wondering because I have no idea what I just said. In short, I present you with '20 people'. In short also, you can find my underwear in it. Ha Ha I made myself say underwear. Ah ok.

(in no particular order)

1) Nazir
2) Nas
3) Suff
4) Mus
5) Faizal
6) Faliq
7) Faizal
8) Irwan
9) Sam
10) Jon
11) Mars
12) Krystyn
13) Nicolle
14) Amy
15) Baba
16) Halim
17) Lydia
18) Caleb
19) Raphael
20) Jamie

(Questions are courtesy of Suff)

What's 3 + 5?

- Well, mathematically that answer would be 6. But if you put Suff and Faizal together, you get Sufaizal. One name I wouldn't give to my children, other than Mamsu.

Where does no. 18 live?

- Caleb? He lives in a private apartment at Farrer Park if my memory doesn't fail me. Which also means I'm wrong. But taking into consideration his skinny pants, his Mat hairstyle and his slip on shoes, he should be at a corner nearby.

What will happen if you give no. 6 a hug?

- Oh Faliq doesn't accept hugs. He only knows how to High-5.

You just broken up with your significant other. What will no. 1 do?

- He'll do what he needs to do. Then that means I will have 3 tokens in the bag and I can redeem it for a bus ticket.

If you give a cake to no. 9, what will he/she do?

- Well if it's a green tea cake, then I can probably have it to myself. If it's not, we will share it over another typical session of Dota with him as Sniper and me as Cydonian Knight. Go mid! Go mid!

What does no. 5 call no. 17?

- What does Faizal call Lydia? Kau hisap bodoh. But that's what he calls everyone.

What do you think is a suitable career for no. 16?

- Baik Lim. Well obviously I wish him well in the Engineering course that he's doing now. But kalau ada REZEKI, he'll definitely make a good teacher.

No. 3 and No. 19? What do you think of them as a couple?

- Suff and Raphael? During their honeymoon, they will go skydiving and that's when the Airborne badge makes the difference. Selamat la kau Suff.

Does no. 20 have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

- As far as I know , NO. But I know he's capable of one. Unlike no. 1 to 10.

What does no. 8 do for a living?

- He was on his way to become a professional bowler but that dream was dashed when he lost to me and scored below 100. He's also the founder of MyLameJokesGet-1/10.com.

What is no. 15's favourite activity?

- Her favourite activity will probably be washing dishes in other people's kitchens. But apparently that trait is present in all 31 Dec babies.

You are alone naked in a room with no. 7? What will you do?

- HAHA. EH Zal, read my lips. Kau. Hisap.

You are alone naked in a room with no. 12 when no. 3 walks in. What happens next?

- That truly reminded me of my SAJC Days. Uhuh Uhuh Krys. What happens next? The rest of the class walks in. Then GP lesson starts.

What is your relationship with no. 10?

- My relationship with Jon has been threefold. Soccer, Tennis and December babies.

What is no. 4's relationship with no. 18?

- Mus doesn't mind seeing Caleb but Caleb minds seeing Mus.

Is no. 14 good at Maths?

- Maybe la. Just maybe, she's the top Malay student in SA. Soalan yang songsang sekali.

Are you good at Maths?

- The only subject I can be proud of.

What will happen if you never met no. 11?

- If I've never met Mars, I probably wouldn't know these words exist : Cars, Sars, Bars, Jars.

What will happen to no. 16 if he/she never met you?

- Then he will have one less late person to meet.

How attractive is no. 7 to you, on a scale of 1 to 10.

- Faizal is as attractive as much as his wheels are attracted to the kerb. So what number is that, 13?

Tell me something about no. 2.

- I will tell you a lot of things about Nas. He needs a haircut. He needs a satay. He needs a hello. He needs more satays. He needs more hellos.

Who in the list have you kissed? Or want to kiss?

- I have kissed no. 3 together with a goldfish. I want to kiss no. 14 in our big spacious living room. Uhuh uhuh Amy.

Is no. 13 really that unlucky?

- No she's not. She has a great career ahead of her and in fact, she's so lucky that we call her Busty Nic.


That was really fun. Try it.

Post-Punk Revival!

Whoo! Alright Yeah Uh Huh. Yes that's the title of a song, by The Rapture.

"People don't dance no more
They just stand there like this:
They cross their arms and stare you down
And drink and moan and diss."

As baik as Al-Baik

Have you ever waited so long but only to be disappointed? Like how you waited for a simple Teh Tarik but only for it to come in the most diluted and bitter form half an hour later? Like how you stay up all night to watch your favourite team on TV but only to witness the drabbest and lifeless goalless match ever? Have you ever had that familiar feeling? If you have, you probably just experienced it after reading the 17th entry in this blog. If that entry had a hype like Transformer’s, it most certainly was as interesting as Happily Never After. I only have 4 words : Anti Climax.

This is definitely a belated entry no thanks to the bunch of 17th Convention Blog-hoggers. So what is a blog without entries? What is an entry without pictures? What are pictures without me in it? (Don’t answer that.) So for your viewing pleasure or not , here’s a little INKLING sial of how I spent my day during my cousin’s engagement.

So this was the setting for the day. Damn traditional. Damn conventional. Damn void deck, so damn Malay.

So being the industrious workaholic that I am, I am on to my first job. Padahal, I don’t know what I am wiping. Notice the eyes. I heard Nas say Hello and instinctively glanced to my right.

And before I could even spell ubiquitous, I was asked to make the drinks. The one on the left is Didil. Just like how we combined on the soccer pitch, we also combined for this one. Muka aku kena maintain aku tau. Gigi aku terkeluar aku tau. Aku handsome, aku tau.

Being the consummate professional, I had to give it a taste first before serving it to the guests. The one on the right is Natasha. Nas diam.

In memory of Nazir and Faliq lending their services in dish washing, I decided to give a washing hand.

These are just some of the gubahan or I-dont-know-what-you-call-it in English that was solely done by my mother. See that Escada perfume on the bottom right? I didn’t do that. See that Gillette Fusion in the middle? I also didn’t do that.

Amidst all the huru hara, I found time to have a photoshoot. I can promise you the baby will grow into a very handsome man. I know thanks.

Ok time for all of you to put away all your pedophilic thoughts. See that girl beside me. She has the curliest and loveliest hair ever. Her name is Farah Natasha. Coincidentally, the one in orange is Farah and the one in green is Natasha. I’m not making this up.

Then it was time for all the December babies to cut their cakes.

To all of those who are responsible for this , Nur Kamsiah Hamidah ( Thank you in Korean)

As Hisap Bodoh As 17

Siapa kata budak 17 tak menawan? A lot of people.

You know, everytime I read an entry by a member of the 17 Convention, I think of the movie 9:56. Why? Because they are so interesting and exciting that only 9:56 is more interesting and exciting than them. So what is it about the number 17 that makes it as non-boring as Bunshinsaba? I did some penetrative journalist work to find out.

I looked into classified Government files (disguised as a black man looking into the history of racism, dawg), interviewed a host of our nation's best analysts (like Sheikh Haikel, dawg) and conducted research in the Chao Yang Special School Library (where incidentally, I made my most progress in this snoop, dawg).

What I found was groundbreaking, window-shattering, and could get people killed. Much like Nazir and Nas' singing. Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to read may change your lives. Get ready to find out the truth behind the 17 Convention.

17: Behind The Convention by Suffian Hakim

Here are the truths about the 17 Convention:

1) They claim that their fetish for the number 17 started because of their register number. They spend their entire lives obsessed over a number because it was their register number for a few years in secondary school and maybe primary school. That's like setting the world record for the most 'hello's said in a day but not actually saying it to a hello. So it can't possibly be just register numbers right? My research has shed more light on this: 17 is in fact the respective IQ of the individuals of the 17 Convention.

2) How was the number 17 derived? From 666, the number of evil, and 1, the position in class the 17 members never get for their studies. You see 6+6+6-1=17. So anybody from the 17 Convention is evil, and will never get number 1 for their studies. Beware, people.

3) The length of their penis is 1.7cm. The only woman they can pleasure with it is Tinkerbell.

4) 17 is also evil because the Devil in the Jamalian religion has 17 names: Jamal, The Intip, The Anti-Satay, The Non-Hello and He Who Is 10+5+2, among others.

5) The 17 Convention is derived from The 17 Coven, a truncated version of The 17 Convention. The 17 Coven are two witches named Niddursan and Rizan who met their untimely deaths when a termite infestation ate up their brooms in mid-air. They crashed into a hut in Afghanistan, inspiring the watching Osama Bin Laden to carry out the September 11 attacks.

I don't think you need any more proof people. The 17 Convention is evil and not dangerous. They endanger themselves mostly, but if you don't want to waste your time, stay clear of anybody who claims to like the number 17.

The One Where Everyone Is Waiting

Before I start, my deepest apologies to all the people out there who've been killing to read the most anticipated entry. Just look at the tagboard, those people can't wait. Nazir and I were planning to do a collabro ah (like Mike Shinoda and Xecutioners), but we had 2 choices; one of us bring laptop out or we both go out with Suff. But like the old saying goes “harapkan Nazir, Nazir makan satu jam”. So as the self-elected president of The 17 Convention, I shouldn't keep all the fans waiting.

I don't understand some people's ludicrous affinity with numbers ah. No, I really don't. Especially if the number is like 16 or 24, I mean, how do you get such an attraction to that? They don't look enticing at all ah. If you're talking about numbers like the sum of 12 and 5 (17) or the difference between 40 and 23 (17), that's reasonable.

Ok, back to serious stuff. In a kulit kacang (nutshell), The 17 Convention consists of me and Nazir, obviously, and about some 17000 people out there, but I don't think they know. We're the longest surviving group, besides Dumb & Dumber. Just imagine Suff and Mus working together...Hmm...you can't right? Well, that's that. One of them will say “Eh, i'm the '&', he's the Dumb Dumber”. The 17 Convention has gone through thick and thin, surpassing The 16 Committee or The 18 Company and also the K (Kental) Brothers. Let's see what one individual has to say about us.

Nas: Suff, what do you think about The 17 Convention?

Suff: Eh, what's 14 + 3? (short pause) 24. What's 402893+349839? (slightly longer pause) 24! Amasham!

You see why he's with Mus now, yeap.

Anyway we actually have an honorary member Aizat. He doesn't wanna say it. We know that deep inside he actually likes the number 17. He claims that he liked the number 17, because of Fandi and all. Stop Zat before he gets to the autograph part. You DON'T wanna hear more. Apparently he said he doesn't like 17 anymore, and he's putting the blame on us.

The reason we started this is because we both like 17 (eh really??!). Ah ya, so Nazir likes it because of the way he writes 7. Not this 7 but the one with the extra stroke below. I can't remember the other reasons why Nazir likes it ah anyway. Furthermore, both of us had register number 17 for a few years in SJI. I had more reason to like it when Gerrard wore Liverpool no.17. Try to recall, before it was passed on to the shoulders of Jenggo Josemi and Astonishing Arbeloa.

To all our other fans out there, please feel free to approach me or Nazir. You may think I look arrogant and unfriendly. Ya, you thought right. There's a reason why they call me gangsta. If any of you are dying to join or joining to die, just give a call to 1700-Convention. If you can't get through, try 999.

Just for the record

Knock knock

Who's there?

Tak Ta

Tak Ta Who?

Tak TAU!! (Don't Know)

Baik 16th entry.

Boys Night In

Having been treated with a wonderful array of my favourite vegetable side dishes over my birthday dinner at Sakura Far East, what better way to welcome in the new year by spending a night over at Nazir’s place. A house I’m only too familiar with having spent countless times meeting under his block just to ask about his well-being. So as the world was counting down to a new year, we were very much still in our own world and berbual world. These are my first 8 lessons learnt in 2008.

1. I learnt that Nazir’s living room has enough chairs to accommodate for all of our satays combined and more. If you’re thinking 0 chairs, then you probably know us too well. Having said that, there was really more than enough furniture in Nazir’s house and aku suspect kuat dia provide chair service untuk pelbagai majlis.

2. I learnt that Alone, a Thai horror movie by the producers of Shutter, recruited some of our local talent for the film. I found out that Ahmad Stokin left Suria to act as a psychiatrist and there was also a cameo appearance by Chew Chor Meng. Not forgetting the stars of the show Pimp My Ride Season 5 and I wish I was emPLOYed.

3. I learnt that there is a fine line between seram and kelakar seram. And that line happens to be Alias Kadir.

4. I learnt that Nazir uses body soap to mop the floor and conversely, washing detergent to wash his body. Now that explains how he looks like.

5. I learnt that Leshrac is like Shrek but only less and Tiny is tinysssssssssssss. I’m also ready to embark on my first DOTA session and my trademark move is ‘to go mid’. MO MO MO MONN MONSTERRRR KILLLL.

6. I learnt that Faliq can be such a dengki kesumat kisurat. In a bid to prevent me from winning the inaugural Nazir Cup, he blatantly lets Suff scores the necessary goals so as to win me by goal difference. Match fixing dok. And I also learnt that as long as Nazir plays auto defence, he has a chance of not losing. Just ask Nas.

7. I learnt that Mus sleeps with his eyes semi-open and will unexpectedly respond while sleeping. Sibuk je. Dah tido buat hal tido je la. But we still prefer you when you’re asleep.

8. Last but not least, I learnt that the Buih List is a powerful management tool, at least for now. Everyone’s trying to avoid to be the first but once that happens, normal buih service will resume. Consperm. Watch this space.

Some Poetry

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the poetry of renowned Pokemon, Pikachu.



Pika pi? Pikachu pika pika pika pikaa chuu,
Pi pika pikachu; pika; pikachu!
Pika pika pikachu!
Pika pika pi pi pika pika chu.
Pika pika pika pikachu!
Pikachu pikapika;
Pika piiiii! Pikachu,
Piiiiiiii Pikachu.
Pikaaaa pika chu,
Pika Titus Bramble pikachu.