Tonight I can write the saddest lines

It has been more than a week since I lost my grandma. This entry is dedicated to her.

What a week. I am still mourning the passing of my grandma. The regrets I felt when I first lost her have receded. I don't have the strength and will to recount the exact details. All I can say is that I'm happy that the whole family, from daughters, sons, grandchildren and great-grandchildren were there with her all the way, till she took her last breath. She had a peaceful death and I am very thankful for that.

I bawled like a baby. I've never cried so hard before. I cried till tears would fall down no more. I think its time that I close this chapter of my life and move on. Closed but never forgotten. Everything is intricately linked, somewhere or another.

What I'm gonna write might sound weird, but I wrote this down while I was sitting outside her room, after the doctor told us she was too far gone and it was only a matter of time before she passed on.

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Only on a deathbed can you see familiar faces. People who were once part of your live, faded away, just to reappear again.

It is only during this moment, a moment so dark and bleak, do you see someone for who they are.

Thoughts of a dying believer.

I used to believe in everything gold and true. But Frost once wrote, Nothing gold can stay. Johnny died. Pony cried.
Nothing gold can stay. Is this about me? Well it should be because I am implicated in it. What do I feel? Regret, pain, anger and a tinge of happiness. People with different reasons, a common goal. Promise between a son and a mother. Regret of a daughter. Dreams of a grandson, gone. So the queen falls.

The phone calls left unanswered. Not even wanting to say hello. Too preoccupied. Seize the day. How true. How true. You never know. I've always dismissed those thoughts. But, you will only understand, appreciate, empathize, when it happens to you. That's the sad thing but messages that are so true, a lesson that can only be learnt when its values cannot be applied. Nothing good ever happens to me. Scrap that. Negative aura. This is so pathetic.

I will never be totally at peace with it but I've come to accept that my grandma will go. A regret that I will never forget. A wrong which I can never right.

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I'll miss her and never forget her. I'm just very thankful that my loss has made people, like Zat, appreciate their love ones more than they already do. So Nani, this is it. I will look back on the fond memories we had together and keep to my end of our promise. Will always love you.

-Nazir