2014

It has been 3-ish years since the last entry (I think; I can’t count). A lot has happened, people getting married, people already married, and other stuff of course.

I suppose right now, it has truly come to a point, where all of us at Towns have crossed that line of, “when I grow up, I wanna be…” into “what have I achieved with my life…”

12 years since we first had dreams, I recall – of staying in this apartment called the Equatorial near our alma mater, having good jobs with good pay, and spending our time relaxing at this sleek club of a sleek hotel with sleeker outfits.

I can’t recall specifically what we thought our jobs would be back then, but I was certain we predicted I was in the arts. True enough, I am in the arts now. After a pretty long winding road of lost causes and mistakes, here I am, relatively living what I had dreamt of living back when I was 16.

Sitting in the smoking lounge of that hotel after dinner sipping my wine and smoking my cigarette, I wondered why those guys aren’t here with me now. All of us are not married, all of us are earning a reasonable income, none of us are in bad company and yet, somehow they seemed to have lost that twinkle in their eyes. If the 5 of us wanted to, inclusive of the new friends we have made, we could’ve easily rented that apartment. Easily.

I flicked my watch in the amber light of the lounge. Sometimes, I like to see the ceramic bezel shine. It is green. And it is beautiful.

Beauty – maybe that’s the problem. Us 5, have always had an idealistic view of beauty, coupled with a devastating concept of love in its truest form. Unrealistic expectations, I would say.

For those who seek it, 12 years can be a long, painful and fruitful way to learn about beauty and love. For others, it can fly in the blink of an eye without them even realizing.

Perhaps in their perpetual quest for beautiful love, they have lost the true meaning of life, which is ultimately, to love themselves.

While it is unfair to hold them to a 12 year old promise, I feel a deep sense of disappointment at how far we have drifted in our outlook of life. Undeniably hard workers, they have somehow lost… Whatever it is that should not be lost for us in this age. Drive? Motivation? Excitement?

Sometimes, when I am not lazy, I read their texts in the group chat we are in. I try my best to understand their points of view. Their shyness, their lack of perceived confidence, their refusal to leave their comfort zone. Those words, “comfort zone”… The most vulgar words ever put together. The transition from having dreams, to living day by day, just because. Obscene.

Were they not the same 16 year olds who wanted to live life to the fullest together? We still are together, perhaps inseparable for better or for worse. Fullest? Not so much.

Maybe it is unfair to hold them to a 12 year old promise. But I will still hold them to it nonetheless.