It has been 3-ish years since the last entry (I think; I
can’t count). A lot has happened, people getting married, people already
married, and other stuff of course.
I suppose right now, it has truly come to a point, where all
of us at Towns have crossed that line of, “when I grow up, I wanna be…” into
“what have I achieved with my life…”
12 years since we first had dreams, I recall – of staying in
this apartment called the Equatorial near our alma mater, having good jobs with
good pay, and spending our time relaxing at this sleek club of a sleek hotel
with sleeker outfits.
I can’t recall specifically what we thought our jobs would
be back then, but I was certain we predicted I was in the arts. True enough, I
am in the arts now. After a pretty long winding road of lost causes and
mistakes, here I am, relatively living what I had dreamt of living back when I
was 16.
Sitting in the smoking lounge of that hotel after dinner
sipping my wine and smoking my cigarette, I wondered why those guys aren’t here
with me now. All of us are not married, all of us are earning a reasonable
income, none of us are in bad company and yet, somehow they seemed to have lost
that twinkle in their eyes. If the 5 of us wanted to, inclusive of the new
friends we have made, we could’ve easily rented that apartment. Easily.
I flicked my watch in the amber light of the lounge.
Sometimes, I like to see the ceramic bezel shine. It is green. And it is
beautiful.
Beauty – maybe that’s the problem. Us 5, have always had an
idealistic view of beauty, coupled with a devastating concept of love in its
truest form. Unrealistic expectations, I would say.
For those who seek it, 12 years can be a long, painful and
fruitful way to learn about beauty and love. For others, it can fly in the
blink of an eye without them even realizing.
Perhaps in their perpetual quest for beautiful love, they
have lost the true meaning of life, which is ultimately, to love themselves.
While it is unfair to hold them to a 12 year old promise, I
feel a deep sense of disappointment at how far we have drifted in our outlook
of life. Undeniably hard workers, they have somehow lost… Whatever it is that
should not be lost for us in this age. Drive? Motivation? Excitement?
Sometimes, when I am not lazy, I read their texts in the
group chat we are in. I try my best to understand their points of view. Their
shyness, their lack of perceived confidence,
their refusal to leave their comfort zone. Those words, “comfort zone”… The
most vulgar words ever put together. The transition from having dreams, to
living day by day, just because. Obscene.
Were they not the same 16 year olds who wanted to live life
to the fullest together? We still are together, perhaps inseparable for better
or for worse. Fullest? Not so much.
Maybe it is unfair to hold them to a 12 year old promise.
But I will still hold them to it nonetheless.
